dI’ve already provided an in-depth account of my narcissistic mother. However, it appears that narcissism extends through my mother’s side of the family. In this article, I’ll delve further into the dynamics of my narcissistic family.
Narcissistic Family: The Grandmother
Although I can’t really judge it because I hardly knew the person, it seems that my narcissistic mother’s mother was also a female narcissist.
From what I’ve heard about her, especially from my father, this must have been a terrible human being. Her husband often said that it would be best for her to live in a cabin in the middle of nowhere. I also heard that he was often away from home for extended periods of time to avoid being with his difficult wife.
My mother likely inherited narcissistic traits from her. In this way, victims inadvertently create new victims, and the destructive behavior of the narcissist persists for generations, transcending their own existence.
Narcissistic Family: The Aunt
In the period when my father came to live opposite us shortly after the divorce (see the article “Narcissistic mother“), a sister of my narcissistic mother suddenly appeared – Aunt R. She was a stranger to me because they hadn’t had any contact for years, portraying a typical narrative of a narcissistic family torn apart.
Soon after, Aunt R visited my father and shared everything she heard at our home. For instance, my dad knew when his half-brother, who played a dubious role in the divorce (see “My Narcissistic Mother’s Hero“), came to visit. He would wait on the street for him, ensuring that my mother was immediately aware of his knowledge…
And guess who was blamed for disclosing everything? Me! This happened even though I had learned to keep my mouth shut precisely during that pitch-black period. A single wrong word could be a spark in the powder keg, and this aunt threw a torch into the powder keg!
Paranoid?
I was even blamed for things I couldn’t have known at all. According to my narcissistic mother, I had supposedly placed listening devices in the house. Later, I learned that she had once driven somewhere with my sister, and they had walked far from the car to discuss something. Supposedly, because I could have hidden listening devices in the car…
Afterward, I wonder if she was genuinely that naïve or if it suited her to portray me as the black sheep. I believe it was the latter.
At that moment, I still thought that Aunt R was naively passing on information without realizing that I was being blamed for everything. Once, when I was alone with her, I brought up the conversation. Her response was evasive, and she quickly changed the subject.
I hoped I had made it clear to her that she was putting me in serious trouble and should stop sharing information. Unfortunately, it turned out to be in vain. Later, I would discover that she had advised my mother to kick me out of the house, claiming that I was the one spreading everything.
The turning point
In the end, it became so evident who was spreading information that my narcissistic mother couldn’t ignore it any longer. At that moment, she made a 180-degree turn, presenting herself as my “savior,” and cut ties with Aunt R.
However, this didn’t free me from the clutches of this highly toxic aunt. She continued to visit my father and even initiated a relationship with him. I felt betrayed! Was this the gratitude for all my loyalty towards my father?
My father was completely oblivious to all this. But he also had to pay the price. In the end, she made off with some of his belongings. Unfortunately, her next victim paid an even higher price – I’m told he lost his house to her.
Narcissistic Family: The Cousin
While Aunt R was highly damaging, her brief presence in my life limited the extent of the damage. However, the individual who caused the most harm after my narcissistic mother is my cousin J, the son of my mother’s brother.
Even in primary school, I considered him a “friend” for a while. However, this “friendship” naturally faded, as often happens at a young age.
Yet, in 1985, at the age of 17, thanks to Aunt R, who portrayed herself as the one reuniting the narcissistic family, I reconnected with him. Soon enough, I found myself part of his “circle of friends,” where I became a frequent target of his mockery.
Toxic friendship
In hindsight, I realize why he introduced me to his circle of friends. He needed someone who was beneath him in the pecking order. The coolest among them was R, my sister’s later boyfriend. He looked up to R, and to avoid being the least impressive himself, he needed me.
My narcissistic cousin also had a hero, a guy named E. Although he wasn’t part of our group, I heard from others that he was someone without scruples. I always had to listen to tough stories about the criminal actions they committed together.
Usually, it involved stealing mopeds and violence. I doubt if all those stories were true. J was also a notorious liar.
Abuse for own pleasure
We were in the phase where we went out every weekend, and especially because I wasn’t good at picking up girls during those days, I was an easy target for him.
By the way, J himself treated girls terribly. He played the role of the great love, and after he got what he wanted, he would discard them. If a girl kept chasing him, he would use her again, only to discard her once more.
He once proudly told me that a girl had cried and said, “I’m crazy about him, but he just plays with me.” No matter how badly he treated them, the girls kept falling for him.
Another peculiar character trait was that he absolutely couldn’t stand me walking into a nightclub in front of him. He tolerated R going in first, but not me. If I had the chance – to get back at him – I would purposely enter in front of him, and he would always become frustrated and aggressive.
All about the image
It was all about his image for J. R also noticed this. “J with his super tough image,” he often said cynically. But otherwise, he often joined in when I was bullied by J. Whenever J had made a fool of me in front of others, he always clicked his tongue in a way he thought was cool. Even when I thought about it later, it still disgusted me. Later, I lost this due to EMDR.
In retrospect, I don’t understand why I stayed with them. Or actually, I do… I was afraid to be lonely at the time. That made me easy prey for this narcissistic relative.
He also always remembered things to use against you later. For example, when I once hurt myself and made a painful face, he asked what was wrong with almost concern, only to later put me down as a pussy.
Stupid
When I finally managed to get a girlfriend, J had to come up with something different to humiliate me. From now on, I was stupid, according to him.
I couldn’t say anything without it being “Oh dear, Herman is so stupid.” And as is so often the case, when something is repeated often enough, everyone believes it, and others adopt it. That, while later it turned out that I’m gifted.
All these humiliations were very bad for my already low self-confidence. For many years afterward, in contact with strangers, I was still afraid of being misunderstood and seen as stupid. Whenever the opportunity presented itself, I was quick to say that I always score over 130 on IQ tests. Fortunately, today I’ve left that behind me.
Shopping
Eventually, this toxic friendship faded again, and I started hanging out with others. However, he would come my way again later. I was in my twenties at the time and owned a car. He regularly called me on Saturdays to go on a tour. When we passed a supermarket, he always had to do some shopping…
It was at this time that I approached him about this after a bad remark. I expected that by now we were old and wise enough to talk this out like adults. Well, that was a bad mistake!
What followed was an outburst of anger and more bad comments. It started cynically with, “Ah, are you hurt? It’s just that you don’t pout.” And then a roar in an aggressive tone, “If you’re so screwed with your f* life, then f*** off!”**
The redemption
I was stunned at such a lack of self-reflection and empathy. Not long after that, we argued again, and I broke off contact with him for good. That was early 1994, ending a nearly ten-year toxic “friendship.”
I didn’t know exactly what was going on with my cousin at the time, but it was clear to me that this person was harmful. It was only when I later started to delve into narcissism that the proverbial penny dropped.
Twenty years later, I ran into him again in a shop. We looked at each other for a split second, after which he made a snorting sound and arrogantly turned his head. Apparently, I was on his mind again because a few days later, I received a friend request from him on Facebook. I blocked him with great pleasure.
About My Narcissistic Family
So much for the story about my narcissistic family. As I mentioned in the article “Diagnosing Narcissism,” I am careful not to label anyone who crosses my path.
I started the article by saying that I can’t really judge my narcissistic mother’s mother. However, I don’t; I just suspect. I also experienced Aunt R too briefly to classify her as a narcissist. But it is clear that there is an enormous criminal energy in her.
But there are two people that I can say with 100% conviction have a narcissistic personality disorder. That’s my mom and my cousin.
Is Narcissism Hereditary?
The fact that many narcissists appear in certain families raises the question of whether narcissism is hereditary. I’ve read a lot about this over the years. According to science, there is no such thing as a narcissism gene.
But how is it possible that it occurs so much in certain families? As I mentioned, my mother most likely became a narcissist because her mother was too. Children who grow up with a narcissistic parent usually develop into codependents, or also narcissists.
So my mother has developed into the latter, probably Aunt R too. Cousin J’s father, on the other hand, is codependent, in its most extreme form. He was married to a very dominant woman and apparently always agrees with her. He confirms everything she says with a silly “Yeah.”
Now I was a codependent too, but this uncle has always been my fearsome example. Long before I knew what was going on, I had resolved never to be like that.
By the way, this dominant woman always takes extraordinary pleasure in the suffering of others. The worse it is for others, the better she likes it, and she likes to gossip about that. She also has an extremely explosive character. An outburst of anger follows over the smallest things. Do I need to say more?
Narcissistic Family and Partners
Children from narcissistic families who have developed into codependents are known to attract narcissists. They run an increased risk of having a narcissistic partner later on. So it’s very possible that this uncle married a narcissistic woman. And as a result, my cousin has become one too.
I just want to point out that this (to my knowledge) has not been officially diagnosed by a psychiatrist. It’s speculation on my part. But these are certainly based on strong clues.
So far about my insights regarding my narcissistic family, and whether narcissism is hereditary. Do you have additions or comments? Share them in a reaction below. Knowledge is power!
I think Narcissism runs in families because it is not diagnosed and even if it was there is no preventive measures. For example even if the social workers know that a child’s parent is a narcissist they still insist that the child should continue visiting this parent instead of reducing the interaction with the toxic parent. There is also no material available for children in such homes, the only advice I hear is that the healthy parent should provide the contrast for the child. This is not enough, because later in life the child just ends up needing therapy due to the abuse suffered while with the toxic parent. I wish there was a way to prepare a child to deal with a toxic parent while they are in the stages when they need care or need to be around this toxic parent. Not for later!
Narcissistic parents cause trauma through emotional neglect and distress. Generational trauma is the outcome and as per your story or further narcissistic disorders or codependency passed through the unhealthy dysfunction of the family.