On November 19, 1967, I was born into a middle-class family that looks decent to the outside world. My parents baptized me Herman.

My father is a vulnerable man who lost both parents during World War Two. As a result of this war trauma, he has depersonalisation. The fact that my father is a vulnerable person probably made him easy prey for a narcissist...

My mother is a woman with two faces. To the outside world she plays the sweet caring mother. But indoors she is a tyrant who always seems to be looking for confrontation.

As a child I was mentally abused by her. At the time I thought I must have done something wrong and deserved it. But as I got older I realized more and more that this was not parenting but mental abuse.

As an adult I have tried several times to talk with her about the past. But with the same frustrating result every time again. Whenever I broached the subject, she reacted hysterically and turned everything around. Always, someone else was wrong and she was the victim.

After such a confrontation, I always got the bad feeling that I would never be able to talk this out with her. The last time I made an attempt was early 2015. Again she reacted hysterically and when I said that a certain event was one of the most traumatic experiences of my childhood she reacted scornfully: "Ah ah trauma! What should I have for traumas then?".

For me, that was the proverbial straw. A short time later I gave her a choice: Either she faces the facts and talks it out normally, or she will lose me. That was on February 10, 2015, I haven't heard from her since.

In the days after the break-up, it dawned on me more and more that there is something seriously wrong with my mother. Surely it is not normal for anyone to be so proud that you would rather cut contact with your own child than admit past mistakes.

I began to delve into all kinds of psychiatric disorders. I have studied many things during this time. In some things I partially recognized her, but it was not a conclusive picture. One of those days I came across the phenomenon of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. With the idea that this would become a partial recognition again, I started reading...

But it turned out not to be a partial recognition, but an almost 100% recognition. All of my mother's tricks and tactics were described in detail. I was stunned. Would this be it? But there was one thing I couldn't place at first. I had never recognized the narcissist in my mother.

With a narcissist, I imagined a boastful attention grabber. I once had a colleague who was always raving about himself and couldn't bear it when someone else was speaking during the break. That was how I imagined a narcissist at the time, a malicious attention grabber.

As I devoured more information about narcissism, I read that there are two types of narcissists, the overt and the covert narcissist. So my mother is a covert narcissist, the most dangerous variant.

Knowing that I am not a doctor and therefore not qualified to make a diagnosis, I wanted someone else to look at it. I showed it to my sister, who had broken up with her years before. I gave as little information as possible beforehand so that she could take in the knowledge without prejudice. It was also 100% recognition with her.

I decided to seek help for processing and contacted the regular assistance. With due tact I told them that my mother probably has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. When I said that I am aware that I am not authorized to make the diagnosis, they laughed.

Finally, it was decided to sign me up for cognitive behavioral therapy. Quite interesting in itself, just not at all tailored to recovery from narcissistic abuse. There appears to be no therapy for this in regular mental health care.

That was actually the reason to set up the Dutch version of this website, back in 2017.

In 2018 I definately made the step from victim to survivor. Since then, I help fellow sufferers to make that step too. Now also international.

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