Narcissistic Abuse: 7 Pitfalls for victims

In this article, I aim to address common pitfalls that victims of narcissistic abuse often encounter. It’s crucial to clarify that I’m not placing blame on the victim. Instead, I want to highlight potential mistakes that may hinder your transition from victimhood to survivor.

1. Falling into the Trap of Self-Blame for Victims of Narcissistic Abuse

One prevalent pitfall involves victims of narcissistic abuse placing blame on themselves, especially when they are unaware they are dealing with a narcissist. This tendency stems from the constant manipulation employed by narcissists, who skillfully shift responsibility, making the victim believe everything is their fault.

Narcissists excel at convincing others that they bear no wrongdoing, consistently attributing blame to someone else. This persuasive tactic can lead targets to internalize self-blame for years. If one encounters a narcissist later in life, they may have a reference point. However, for those exposed to narcissistic behavior since childhood, a lack of reference makes self-blame more insidious.

Personally raised in a family with a narcissistic mother, my initial frame of reference was shaped by her perspective. It took until the age of 47 for me to recognize the gravity of the situation.

For more insights, refer to the article ‘Narcissistic mother‘

2. Pitfall: Trying to Understand the Narcissist in Narcissistic Abuse

Empathetic individuals, particularly those with codependency tendencies, often try to comprehend narcissists. The significant pitfall arises when, lacking knowledge of narcissism, one interprets the narcissist’s behavior as typical human conduct.

When a narcissist reveals their malicious side, it’s common to attribute it to a bad day, overlooking the underlying pattern of narcissistic personality disorder. Recognizing this pattern necessitates a level of awareness that eludes most people.

Personally, I stumbled upon this understanding when I began questioning the abnormality of my mother’s behavior. After an extensive search, I found an article detailing narcissistic personality disorder. It was at that point that I realized I had been a victim of narcissistic abuse.

So, I found myself trying to understand my narcissistic mother’s behavior. It’s not wrong to understand the behavior, but the pitfall is trying to understand the narcissist themselves.

Some believe people aren’t inherently bad, just influenced. However, engaging with a narcissist leads to manipulation and being drawn into their insanity. In the narcissist’s worldview, they are supreme, and others exist to serve and validate their false self-image.

Know their actions, recognize the madness, but resist being part of it!

3. Victims of narcissistic abuse who think they can change the narcissist

Many victims think they can change the narcissist if they try hard enough. This is one of the common pitfalls at the stage where the target is not aware of the narcissistic abuse.

You recognize the bad character traits and you think you can change that. But when you name it you get the anger of the narcissist. Then everything is turned the other way around and you are the one with the nasty character traits…

The bad news is you can’t change a narcissist. Once you understand that you are dealing with a narcissist, leaving them immediately is the only right solution. If for some reason you can’t, then delve into narcissism.

No, don’t join their madness, but understand how they think and arm yourself against this.

4. Victims of narcissistic abuse who confront the narcissist

Discovering you’re dealing with a narcissist may tempt you to confront them, but it’s one of the most dangerous pitfalls. This pitfall has two sub-categories:

A. Wanting to heal the narcissist

Confronting the narcissist with their narcissism, thinking you can heal them, is common in those with codependency. However, the chance of success is nil. When you inform a narcissist about their narcissistic personality disorder, they react with a narcissistic frenzy, turning the situation against you and trying to shift the focus onto your perceived issues.

The percentage of narcissists who report to the assistance is very low. And if they do, it is in most cases to manipulate. However, the number of victims of narcissistic abuse who end up in the care system is very high. And often they don’t know what to do with it, but that’s another story.

B. Exposing the narcissist

Taking revenge on the narcissist by showing that you know him or her is very tempting, but also very unwise. This puts you in a direct confrontation with the narcissist.

To a narcissist, you are either narcissistic food or a target for them to take their anger out on. It is not difficult to guess what role you will be assigned when you confront the person with their narcissism.

I saw this one on Facebook:

Telling a narcissist that he is a narcissist is like pulling the safety pin out of a hand grenade.

First, you get all the narcissistic anger all over you. Then they will abuse this knowledge and tell everyone that you are a narcissist!

5. Seeking Support from common Acquaintances after Narcissistic Abuse

Now that you’ve identified the narcissist and possibly gone no contact, it’s a challenging time requiring support. However, a pitfall is seeking support from common acquaintances.

These acquaintances only know the facade the narcissist presents to the world – a friendly, sociable person. Convincing them otherwise can be a tough battle, often resulting in you being perceived as the one at fault.

Moreover, disclosing to mutual acquaintances that they are dealing with a narcissist carries a high risk of the information reaching the narcissist, leading back to the previous pitfall.

6. Victims of narcissistic abuse attempting to persuade others

Aligned with the previous pitfall is the attempt to persuade others. Frequently, the narcissist has already taken the initiative, painting you as the wrongdoer. The more you endeavor to convince others otherwise, the more they perceive it as confirmation of the narcissist’s narrative.

Many people lack awareness of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. They associate the term “narcissist” with a caricature, a boastful attention-seeker. The subtleties of manipulation and narcissistic abuse remain unknown, putting the narcissist ahead by 3-0.

It’s unfortunate, but attempting to persuade others of your perspective is futile! Channel your energy into enhancing your own life instead!

7. Longing for the Narcissist After Abuse

Succumbing to the allure of the narcissist is a common pitfall for those who have been in a relationship with one. After the relationship ends, fond memories can overshadow the emotional abuse, making it seem less severe.

This perception arises from no longer being in the midst of the abuse. In retrospect, many things may appear less distressing as emotions gradually stabilize over time. However, dealing with ongoing abuse is undeniably challenging.

If you find yourself missing the narcissist, remember that all the positive memories are deceptive! Every sweet and pleasant gesture from a narcissist is merely a tactic to set the stage for narcissistic abuse and prolong their influence over you!

In the initial stages of a relationship with a narcissist, you’re showered with “love” until they believe they have you under their control. Gradually, their true nature emerges in a sweet-mean cycle.

Initially, the mean phases are short and infrequent, but they intensify and prolong as the relationship advances. The narcissist slowly administers their poison, ensuring you don’t leave. It’s crucial to recognize that the sweetness was a manipulation technique. If tempted to return, recall the reasons you left the narcissist!

That concludes the discussion of the 7 pitfalls related to narcissistic abuse. Do you have any comments or additions? Share them with your fellow survivors in the comments. Knowledge is power!