Some narcissists don’t hold back when they don’t get their way. Sometimes they go as far as committing cyber harassment to get revenge when their victim breaks up the relationship.
Cyber harassment by a narcissistic ex
In my previous blogs, I wrote about the relationship between the narcissistic Joe and the easily flattered Mary. They had an on-off relationship for seven years. Mary broke up with him for good. It turned out that narcissistic Joe was a stalker.
She received a flood of emails and texts, alternately sweet and then terribly insulting. It went on endlessly. Week after week she got the worst insults; twenty, thirty times a day. And threats, such as: “I sent nude photos to your clients”.
Private data
She was shocked at some of the things he wrote. It turned out he knew more about her private life than he could or should have. He had discovered when and where she was celebrating her birthday and ruined the day by texting: “I’ll be right there!”.
During the same period, emails sent to her were regularly lost, especially those from men (as it turned out). She had already called her provider about it, but they had no explanation. Slowly the feeling came over her that Joe had been reading her email for a long time. Would he really do that? The man she had trusted so much for so many years?
She soon learned the answer was yes. Joe betrayed himself with small things. She set a trap with a friend. She started an email chain, saying all kinds of things about Joe that weren’t entirely true. It took a while, but he snapped. He had been snooping into her private life for months, throwing out emails he didn’t like.
She invited him one more time to her house to talk about it, but he flatly denied and it ended in a horrible fight. While he was gone, she discovered that the diamond ring she had received from him when they were supposedly getting married (see blog 2: Narcissitic stalker), was gone. She texted him about this, but of course, he denied taking it: “you have to look harder”.
Computer trespass
That was the last straw. On a whim, she went to the police. They read her phone messages and received the printed emails. The officers used words such as computer trespass and stalking. They advised her to make an official report.
She came home completely upset: computer trespass and stalking. From the man, she’d loved so much? She didn’t want that at all. This had to be different. She emailed Joe again: “If you give me back my ring and stop harassing me, I will waive the report”. He replied: “Great cry and little wool, you little bitch.” Then something snapped in Mary and she thought, “If you want it that way you can have it.”
Report for computer trespass and theft
The day after her official report, Joe retaliated with more computer trespass. He set up a Hotmail address under her name and emailed a good friend of hers a long four-page letter. He’d snooped around in her email enough to know a lot about that friend. It was a malicious email that crossed the line.
He wrote the craziest things on Mary’s behalf and offered her money: “I propose that I stay with you every weekend, that we go on holiday often in luxury and that I get a € 1000 a week ‘clothing allowance’ from you”.
Fortunately, that friend took the time to contact her. It took him a while to believe she hadn’t sent the email and was a victim of an impersonation. He had replied to the email and remembered that he had to choose between two email addresses. He had noticed that. Of course, Mary hadn’t gotten the response.
It was all the more painful because this friend was in love with Mary. And Mary had made it clear to him earlier that she did feel friendship, but not a romantic connection. Clearly, Joe had learned a lot from the break-in in her mailbox.
Lifetime
She got scared. What kind of madman was Joe? What had she done to deserve this, that desire for revenge? What else was he going to do? Would he start emailing all her friends and work associates on her behalf? The words of the police buzzed in her head: computer trespass and stalking, but she also remembered that the detective on her case had warned her: “You probably have a life sentence. These kinds of people are hard to stop.”
She couldn’t sleep. She felt defiled, hurt, and threatened.
And it went even further. He joined an online walking club of which she had been a member for many years. For this walking club, you register online for group walks. He also apparently had access to that site. He secretly signed her out of walking tours and took her place while defaming her on their site, linking to a web page with all kinds of horrible things.
Attractive to narcissists
Mary was so upset that she asked for Victim Support. She needed to talk to someone. How could she have been so wrong about Joe? Was there something wrong with her?
She had long overlooked warning signs. Praising her, then making derogatory remarks. His attempts to make her dependent. He had always slammed her friends and her work. All to isolate her.
It had always been about power and she had never seen it. Unbelievable! She realized that she was a woman who is attractive to a narcissist. She’s sensitive to attention and compliments. She’s trusting, caring, and above all, put others before herself. She started listening to herself better. She started to reinvent herself.
Acquitted
The case related to the computer trespass against Joe moved slowly. She had filed a complaint in February. It took until November before she got a call from the detectives! Joe was offered a plea deal for 60 hours of community service. But he preferred to let it come down to a trial.
He only had to appear a year and a half after the declaration. Due to careless handling of reports and evidence from the police, he was acquitted of computer trespassing. He was convicted of the theft of the ring, but he appealed the ruling. The case wouldn’t be heard until much later. He was also acquitted of this, arguing: “She was given the ring on the condition that the relationship remains intact.” In brief, the judge validated the blackmail.
Computer trespass continues
Meanwhile, Joe continued to bully her. He created a website full of slander about her. Using all the information he had obtained from her emails and the lawsuit. However, it turned out that Mary had grown stronger.
Partly because of Victim Support, she had learned to shrug it off and especially not to try to understand what drives Joe. She didn’t need to understand why someone would want to bother her so much. She’s glad she’s broken free from Joe as far as her feelings are concerned. Although, the computer trespassing and harassment still continue.
She did not follow the advice of the police to go completely offline with her website and Facebook. She’s not the problem. He is. Why should she hide? She prefers to face him with her head held high. But with better protection against computer trespass.
Does this story sound familiar to you? Have you experienced something like this yourself? Let us know, because we can learn a lot from each other.