s”Do narcissists know what they are doing?” This is a question frequently posed by victims of narcissistic abuse. In this article, I will seek an answer based on what I have learned about narcissism, providing examples from my own experience.
The question: Do narcissists know what they are doing?
We all occasionally make unfortunate comments that accidentally hurt someone. When confronted, most of us would be shocked and quick to clarify that it wasn’t intended to cause harm.
This is what distinguishes empaths from individuals with narcissistic personality disorder. Unlike empaths, a narcissist won’t shy away but will often go the extra mile. Here are a few examples from my own life.
From the article “Narcissistic Mother“:
The exercises consisted of throwing a ball. Mom threw the ball to me, and I had to catch it and throw it back. When something went wrong, she started a furious tirade. “You dirty egoist!” she yelled at me hysterically. “Me, me, me!”
I had no idea why I deserved this treatment. But if she said so, it must be true. “Wait until you get to secondary school,” she continued, “They’ll teach you that. They’ll beat you up!” The aggressive gestures she made and the grim face she drew are still burned into my retina.
And so it went every evening! I knew exactly what was going to happen beforehand, so I felt great anxiety in advance and caught the ball as if numb. This seemed to be a reason for her to go the extra mile. I couldn’t count on grace.
From the article “Narcissistic Family“:
It was at this time that I approached him about this after a bad remark. I expected that by now we were old and wise enough to talk this out like adults. Well, that was a big mistake!
What followed was an outburst of anger and more bad comments. It started cynically with “Ah, are you hurt? It’s just that you don’t pout.” And then he roared in an aggressive tone, “If you’re so screwed with your f*** life, then f*** off!”.
Narcissists are calculating!
Do narcissists know what they are doing? The examples above show that narcissists deliberately hurt other people. And when the victim lets them know, they sprinkle some extra salt in the wounds.
The question “Do narcissists know what they are doing?” can be answered with yes! They know they are hurting others, and they enjoy it.
Any normal person would be angry at such behavior. But becoming angry will also give the narcissist narcissistic supply. When they hurt someone or make them angry, they feel important.
Do narcissists know they are narcissists?
Another interesting question is, ‘Do narcissists know they are narcissists?’ I once asked this question to a psychologist, and she assured me that they don’t. Even if you let them read an article about narcissism, they will only see narcissistic behavior in others, not in themselves.
Munchausen syndrome by proxy
I have already shared some details about my narcissistic mother. When my sister cut off contact with her in 2007, she suddenly accused my sister of having Munchausen syndrome by proxy.
She claimed to have extensively studied this condition and concluded that my sister suffers from it.
In short, Munchausen syndrome by proxy involves a parent, usually the mother, deliberately making a child ill. Often, they are obsessed with hospitals, playing the role of a caring parent against the doctor.
What does this say about my narcissistic mother?
The following is somewhat hypothetical, but the fact that my narcissistic mother delves into Munchausen syndrome by proxy and then accuses my sister of it makes me suspect the following:
Maybe there is a small voice in my mother’s brain telling her that there is something wrong with her and that she is looking for an explanation. She recognizes certain things in herself related to Munchausen’s syndrome by proxy. And what does a narcissist do? Project it onto someone else!
In the case of my narcissistic mother, there are certainly similarities with Munchausen’s syndrome by proxy. She used to work in a hospital, of which she is quite proud. Also, she tries to maintain the image of a caring person in front of the outside world, and her hospital history helps, of course.
She also likes to flaunt her medical knowledge, something someone with Münchhausen by proxy also likes to do. Finally, she deliberately made her children (mentally) ill. Moreover, when I was a kid, she always tried to scare me with medical conditions.
Now I have also studied Munchausen syndrome by proxy and have come to the conclusion that although there are similarities, they are not enough to conclude that my mother has this condition. This is in contrast to Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Thoughts: Do narcissists know what they are doing?
Returning to the opening question: Do narcissists know what they are doing? A narcissist knows that he or she is lying, manipulating, hurting others, and destroying lives. Perhaps some narcissists also realize there is something wrong with them, but they will never admit it.
Nor will they ever change their behavior. They know what they are doing, but their lack of empathy means they don’t feel the pain they inflict on others. Narcissists only care about their own needs. They are like vampires seeking blood to survive.
Emotional and mental
Actually, it is not so easy to answer the question “Do narcissists know what they are doing?” It falls into two parts.
According to the Australian writer and narcissism expert Melanie Tonia Evans, narcissists are not aware of this. They are unable to understand feelings such as sentiment, emotional pain, or regret. According to her, narcissists have no idea what they have done to you. They believe that they are the victim who has been mistreated by you.
In a book by the fellow Dutch colleague Iris Koops, I read that the empathy of a narcissist falls into two parts: the emotional part and the mental part. A narcissist appears to be intellectually very capable of understanding what is going on in another person, but emotionally not at all.
As is known, they lack the ability to put themselves in another’s shoes. So intellectually, narcissists do know what they are doing, but they don’t feel anything about it.
Do you have questions or comments about the subject “Do narcissists know what they are doing?”? Feel free to share in the comments below this article. Knowledge is power!
